It takes a village. As doulas, we say this a lot and, as postpartum parents, we seldom hear it enough. Loud and clear are social expectations for our recovery from birth and our adjustment to life with a newborn. From how we should look in our new skins to ways we must love the babe(s) in our arms, many new parents face tremendous pressure to be a certain way, by a certain time. Little is said about the hard stuff of parenting.

I have been there as a newbie and, as a postpartum doula, support others overwhelmed by the intensity and paradoxes of the fourth trimester. Along the way, I examine expectations and tell truths about what new parents might expect. Here are three that I hope will be helpful.

 

  • Contradictions

Postpartum is full of contradictions. Some, fueled by newness and shifting hormones, can leave us swinging, happy one minute and sad the next… self-assured now and self-defeated later. These contradictions generally settle, as we settle. Others, rooted in social norms and attitudes, stick around longer. Between the breast and the bottle, nesting or entertaining, a stroller or a carrier, a nanny or a daycare, co-sleeping with our baby or a crib down the hall, few new parents are spared the opinions of others; nearly all of us are told how much we must love every moment.

If this is your experience as a new parent, you are not alone. A disconnect between what you should and actually feel and do is not uncommon. It was once compared to drowning by a client who wanted nothing more than to just be and parent without judgment or guilt.

Permit yourself to love and hate your new “normal.” Feel everything thrilling and less so about it. Trust your instincts because you know yourself and your baby best. Find refuge in a parenthood that is in sync with your postpartum situation and solidly in your camp. The other noise will eventually fade.

 

  • Community

Speaking of that parenthood: as social animals, we need community through good times and bad. Parenting is full of both. In the weeks and months after birth, familiar warm bodies can help us over the high and low points until we are comfy in our new (bath) robes.

Without our peeps, postpartum can be lonely and grueling. We are suddenly and unnaturally deprived of supports that buoyed us and, as poop literally and figuratively hits the fan, now need more than ever. For many, a self or externally imposed isolation can also lead to – or worsen – emotional complications. All of this can make it harder to parent.

If you are postpartum, populate your village with compassionate and trusted neighbors. It. Is. Not. Too. Late. Throw in a doula if possible. Mine them for information and resources that speak to your and your baby’s needs today. Talk to them about how you feel and lean on them when you cry. Dole out tasks and hit “repeat.” Hit it again, without apology. Creating your circle of support does not mean you are a failure, inadequate, or entitled. It means you are battle-wise and battle-ready. Along the way, you may catch some of that sleep you were warned would never return!

 

  •  Control

This little-told secret about parenting is especially true postpartum. If I had a buck for every client of mine that has puzzled over why they cannot focus on a book, lose all their pregnancy pounds, return to work, and get their baby to sleep through the night in the first few weeks, I might retire. Might.

There is a reason the fourth trimester is called what it is. Our babies are less independent than other animal cubs and need more TLC to thrive. This 12-week (longer for some) period is critical to that thriving process and our own adjustment to it. During it, we heal and lay roots for a new family unit; get to know the baby that has come to stay; and respond endlessly to what they need, not what we want. None of this would happen without giving up some control.

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I encourage my clients to live in the moment during this chaotic and unfamiliar time. This is probably as maddening to hear and difficult to do as snoozing when your baby sleeps (a suggestion I do not offer, by the way, for the anxiety I have seen it cause). Nonetheless, if you are a new parent, reminding yourself to be present when intensity and demands creep up may help you focus on the here-and-now and not on the hours, days, or weeks ahead. The space created in this process is yours, to feel and be what you want and love the way you know best. And when it strikes, remember to text that village – your laundry is overflowing.

Congratulations from all of us at Metropolitan Doulas. We wish you well.