Clients Ask: Can You Spoil a Baby? 

Have you ever been told that you hold your baby “too much?” That nursing your baby to soothe them is a “bad habit?” Or that rocking your baby to sleep is a “crutch?” These (typically unsolicited) comments may lead you to wonder if you are doing something wrong. Rest reassured, you cannot spoil your baby. 

Our Helpless Babies

Babies of every species need care and protection to survive. Human babies are born with immature nervous systems and tiny brains — the smallest brain among all primates, actually. These characteristics make them especially helpless after birth. Unlike most species, human babies are unable to stand or move, source and eat food, or regulate any bodily function… for months. 

There are several theories on why human babies are born so dependent. A short — and funny — PBS video explains two: the obstetrical dilemma (the idea that the human newborn brain is only 30% the size of a human adult brain to facilitate birth through the birthing pelvis) and the E.G.G hypothesis (which suggests that the birthing parent’s basal metabolic rate or energy needed to sustain fetal growth peaks about nine months, making birth at that time a necessity). 

By one estimate, catching up neurologically and cognitively with a chimpanzee newborn would require a human fetus to gestate for 18-21 months. Thankfully, this is not an option! Instead, many studies show that care from adults in the early months can fuel rapid maturing of the human nervous system and brain after birth. The centerpiece of this care is a process called co-regulation.  

Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is especially critical during the fourth trimester, when newborns depend on adults to stabilize heart rate, breathing, temperature, and stress responses. 

In simple terms, co-regulation is a process in which we help a baby’s nervous system return to a calm state. Crying or fussing typically indicates a need for co-regulation. That prompts us to respond by holding, soothing, (rocking, shushing, swaddling, etc.), and offering a bottle or the breast to satisfy the baby’s innate soothing sucking reflex and hunger.

Breastfeeding, in particular, triggers hormones and neurotransmitters that promote relaxation, bonding, satiety, and sleep. Other sensory cues during co-regulation — our body warmth, smell, breathing, and heartbeat — also help lower our baby’s heart rate, breathing, temperature, and arousal. This is why skin-to-skin contact or “kangaroo care” can be so helpful. It encourages your restless baby’s nervous system to mimic your body’s systems, allowing for deeper rest.

Building Blocks

Continued co-regulation can teach our babies some lessons. They learn to communicate distress and that someone will respond and meet their needs. This feedback loop is also a building block for a child’s ability to trust and feel safe in relationships. And, as they grow, it supports their eventual shift from co-regulation to self-regulation. 

In fussy moments and over time, co-regulation helps our babies return to a state of calm, comfort, and contentment. None of these is a “bad habit.” So, the next time someone suggests you might be creating one, rest reassured you are not.