Written by Betsy Quiligan

Now that 2020 is halfway gone, I can’t quite believe all that has happened. As a postpartum doula, my job is to support parents, and that has meant something different this year. Many in our community are 100 days into stay-at-home isolation, but – just like with a newborn – you may have found that after three months, you’re still struggling.

The messages parents started sending me in March were the same as always. “I don’t think I can keep doing this.” “How long will it be this way?” “I’m so miserable; how do people do this?!” But these messages were not the secret fears of brand new parents sent during overnight feedings; these were from experienced parents suddenly finding themselves housebound with their older children.

As a postpartum doula – a trained, non-judgmental, non-clinical professional who supports a family after the birth of a baby – it is part of my job to help families face these challenges during their transition. Often, I also get questions about the rainbow of colors that can be found in a diaper or the surprising distance babies can shoot bodily fluids. But consistently, new parents are just as concerned about their changing roles and relationships. It is that feeling that is present in the messages I’m receiving from experienced parents in 2020.

You may expect that older parents would have the experience, the confidence, and the skills to rise to this new challenge raised by the specter of COVID-19 transmission and our subsequent “social distancing.” After all, these are folks who know their children, and they have already experienced the identity transformation that parenting demands. Also, older kids are (purportedly) more communicative and rational than newborns.

But this new era is sending many parents right back to the transition that many of us experienced when our children first joined our families. We are finding that we cannot rely on the coping skills that have served us in the past. We are overwhelmed by the sheer neediness of our children in a day. The life and routines that have become our bedrock have been upturned. We are isolated from our usual social and emotional supports. We are afraid of what lies ahead. And we are wearing pajama pants all day.

So here are the things I tell new parents that you may find helpful with your older babies and children:

  • You are not alone. You may be alone with your family in your home. But I promise you are not doing this by yourself. Find a group of parenting peers where you can feel solidarity and where you can both offer and receive emotional and practical support. It can be a text thread once a day or a fixed time web call. But peer support during this time is critical.

 

  • It will change. This is a transition. The challenges you face today will be different next week and the week after that. So as you look at your calendar with endless empty days ahead, don’t project how you feel today on to those blank squares. I can’t promise you’ll feel better, but I can promise you will feel different.

 

  • Try to touch base with yourself at least once a day. One of the most disorienting parts of a transition is being unable to connect with the part of yourself that feels most like you. We are so trapped in problem-solving, addressing urgent needs, and preparing for future bumps on the road that we do not give ourselves space to feel like ourselves. Find time that can be used to think your own thoughts, to listen to your internal monologue, or to meditate. It may feel self-indulgent or even impossible as you are trying to homeschool and telework full-time. But I promise it will help.

 

  • Go outside. With infants, getting out of the house can be a gargantuan task, so many parents stay indoors most of the time. Now we are all asked (appropriately) to stay at home with our children. But no matter the size of your home, those walls can close in on you. So try to breathe some fresh air, feel the sun on your face, let the rainfall on your hand, whether it is in a yard, on a porch, or through an opened window.

 

  • Remember to have grace with yourself. Maybe you feel that after three months it should be easier. Maybe you fantasize about running away. Maybe you are angry with yourself for being impatient with your children or with your partner for loading the dishwasher wrong… again. It’s okay; we are each doing the best we can, and sometimes that doesn’t look like our ideal.

As I tell new parents – you will get through this. We will get through this together. The fear of the unknown is a palpable thing, but today we just have to do today. Tomorrow will be different. And someday we will all put on real pants again.